


my love is yours to hold (through every high & every low)

by colorfullysarah



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Admittedly some questionable and unhealthy choices made by Yuuri in the past, Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Getting Back Together, Healthy Communication, Heavy Angst, M/M, Memory Loss, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Canon, Sexual Content, but it's getting better now, but we'll get through it together, it's a rough ride
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 22:49:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14628672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colorfullysarah/pseuds/colorfullysarah
Summary: "To be human is to have a collection of memories that tells you who you are and how you got there."—Rosecrans BaldwinMemories are fickle things, Viktor and Yuuri knew this long before one night changed everything two months before their wedding. It's easy to forget to grab the milk while out grocery shopping or which street that new restaurant they wanted to try was on. And it's even easier to forget the world can be unkind when their hearts flutter with happiness.What they never imagined was love could be forgotten in a single heartbeat.. . .Or, there's an accident. Memories are lost and years pass before they're found again.This is what happens after.





	1. prelude: yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This originally was posted on tumblr for a prompt fic and since I don't trust tumblr to keep any of my writing safe I'm cross-posting it here as well. There's a second part I'll be posting shortly and then after that it's all caught up with what I've written so far. 
> 
> If you didn't read the tags this'll serve as another warning: these first two chapters are mostly angst. It's a rough ride for both Yuuri and Viktor (mostly Yuuri unfortunately) but there is a happy ending! The angst has a purpose and doesn't happen just for the sake of making you cry and hurt, I promise! 
> 
> Anyway! I hope you enjoy :)

There are plenty of things Yuuri would love to go back in time and change, most of them small, like that time he stayed after to practice for an extra hour at the rink and sprained his ankle. Or that time he walked into the wrong classroom and interrupted a lecture.

Falling in love with Viktor is never something he’s wanted to take back. Even when his fiance woke up with no memory of him after they were in a car accident. Even when going back to stop the triplets from posting that video would save his heart the utter agony it’s going through now.

“I’m not going to force him to live with me, Yurio,” he says while lacing up his skates. It’s his first actual practice since the doctor gave him the all clear. “I already found another place to stay that’s nearby in case…”

Yuuri can’t bring himself to finish, can’t bring himself to hope when everything the doctors have told him points towards Viktor probably never remembering.

Next to him, Yurio huffs and Yuuri bites back the sign clawing its way up his throat. “But the doctor’s said—”

“I know what they said,” he interrupts, softly. “And we tried that. For a week. But he asked me to leave so he can have some space to figure things out and I’m going to respect that.”

Yurio stands with a snarl and he stares determinedly at his skates because looking up will only make the tenuous control he has on his emotions shatter completely. None of them will ever be able to understand Viktor’s quiet, hesitant words felt like his heart was scooped right out of his chest and torn apart by the very hands that used to touch him so lovingly.

He listens to Yurio march away and open the door that leads out to the rink and just as he’s about to allow himself one single moment to fall apart he hears, “You’re an idiot, Katsudon. When he remembers everything he’s going to be hurt that you left him like this. If it was you he wouldn’t let you push him away and you know it.”

No one comments on his red, puffy eyes when he steps out onto the ice or how he makes sure to stay on the opposite end of the rink as Viktor the whole practice.

…

“I’m getting married!”

Yuuri chokes on his drink and his eyes water when the coffee burns as he coughs to clear his throat. He stares at Viktor, with wide-eyes when he finally manages to suck in a shaky breath and Phichit has gone completely still beside him.

He knew, of course, that Viktor’s been dating someone for six months now. It’s a fact he’s tried to shove forcefully into the back of his mind every time they grab lunch after a morning practice or when they’re flying to various parts of the world to compete against each other. And he definitely shoves his pain deep, deep down whenever Viktor brings his boyfriend over to his place for movie or game nights.

(It’d be easier to accomplish both of those things if he hated Viktor’s boyfriend, Ivan, if this other man was a horrible monster but Yuuri likes Ivan. Likes to consider that they’re even friends despite the fact Ivan has no idea that he and Viktor used to be—)

It’s off-season now and Viktor announced his retirement two weeks ago so really, he shouldn’t be at all surprised that Viktor’s thinking about settling down. It makes sense really. Viktor had wanted to adopt kids after both of them had retired and settled comfortably into their-post retirement lives and he had looked forward to helping Viktor bloom into fatherhood. So, the fact that Ivan isn’t a skater, isn’t someone that’ll force Viktor to wait to start a family until he retires too…  

Viktor seems oblivious to the fact he’s just shattered Yuuri’s heart completely or that Phichit isn’t anywhere near his usual level of excitement over these things and barrels on with talk about flowers and venues and dates they’d considered.

It’s been two years but Yuuri apparently has been foolishly holding onto the hope Viktor would wake up one day and remember everything and rush into his apartment to sweep him up into a kiss to make up for all their lost time.

He stands abruptly and Viktor looks startled when Yuuri gathers up the courage to look him in the eye. “Sorry,” he fumbles over the word and hates himself for sounding as devastated as he feels. “I just remembered I left something at the rink.”

Viktor opens his mouth but Yuuri doesn’t give him the chance to say anything because he’s yanking open the door to Ivan’s cafe and practically running several blocks in the opposite direction of the rink until his legs refuse to move and his vision blurs with tears.

It takes a couple minutes, but Phichit manages to find him and wraps Yuuri up in his arms. “I’m so sorry, Yuuri,” his friend mumbles into his hair.

Later, when he’s curled up on his couch his phone pings and before he even grabs it he knows who the message is from.

>  **vitya ♡:**  Are you okay?  
>  **vitya ♡:**  You seemed upset earlier (｡•́︿•̀｡)

Even though his heart hurts, even though it feels as if the whole universe just tore itself apart within his chest Yuuri can’t bring himself to ignore Viktor. He realizes as his thumbs hover over the keyboard that he’s being an awful friend right now.

>  **yuuri:**  I’m fine! Sorry about earlier, I’m just feeling a little homesick for Japan.  
>  **yuuri:** You’ll have to tell me more about the wedding at lunch on Friday.

At this point, Phichit emerges from his shower and plucks his phone right from his hands even though he’s still towel drying his hair. Yuuri looks back towards the TV the moment he sees Phichit frown.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?”

Phichit’s tone startles him enough to snap his gaze back to his friend’s face and he wonders briefly if Yurio took over Phichit’s mind because he’s never once heard Phichit sound so angry before.

He opens his mouth but promptly shuts it when he realizes he doesn’t have anything to say.

“Yuuri, you’re my best friend and I love you, but I won’t let you put yourself through this.” Phichit says. “I know you love him and always will but if you refuse to tell him how you feel then I think it’s time to go back to Japan. At least for a little while.”

His phone pings. Phichit looks down at the message and the slightly horrified expression on his face makes Yuuri’s heart race in his chest.

He uses Phichit’s shock to snatch the phone back and he wishes instantly that he hadn’t.

>  **vitya ♡:** Oh! Okay!!! I’m sorry you miss home though (´;︵;`)  
> **vitya ♡:**  Perfect! I was going to ask you to be my best man earlier but we can talk about everything on Friday. :)

“Yuuri,” Phichit whispers but he flinches anyway. “Please don’t do it. Go home and… try to move on or find a way to be happy without him. He wouldn’t want you doing this to yourself. And if he ever remembers everything he’s going to hate himself.”

He shakes his head and takes several shaky breaths before he’s able to form words. “He’s my home. I can’t leave. I just can’t.”

Neither of them say anything for a while. Eventually, Phichit sits beside him and holds his hand as he cries and texts god knows who with his other. The movie Yuuri had playing earlier ends and after a while goes back to the menu screen, playing the music on loop until Phichit reaches for the remote and turns it off.

Gradually, the tears stop and Yuuri drifts off into a mostly restful sleep thanks to the steady rhythm of Phichit’s heartbeat centering his mind long enough to keep the nightmares at bay.

…

“Mari? What are you doing here?”

When he opened the door to his apartment, he half expected Viktor or Viktor and Ivan to stand on the other side. Especially since the wedding planning has started in earnest since their lunch on Friday.

Mari on the other hand? Wasn’t anywhere on his list of possible visitors.

She shoots him a pointed look before grabbing the handle of her suitcase and marching inside. “Phichit told me what’s been going on and thought maybe I’d have a better chance in talking you out of this masochistic mission you’re on.”

He stares, dumbfounded when Haru appears in the doorway a moment later and gives him a sheepish smile before walking in with another suitcase. “Ah sorry, Yuuri,” his brother-in-law says as he helps Mari out of her jacket. “You know how she gets when she’s made up her mind.”

(Sometimes he forgets that St. Petersburg doesn’t warm up as quickly as it does back in Hasetsu. That whenever his family comes to visit it’s usually chilly to them almost no matter what time of year it is.)

It’s when Mari turns to yell at him some more that he remembers she’s  _seven months pregnant_  and why is she traveling halfway around the world right now?!

“Neechan—”

“Don’t ‘neechan’ me, Yuuri,” she says and even though her voice is calm he hears the underlying steel in her tone. “It’s one thing to torture yourself by watching Viktor date other people since the accident but it’s another thing entirely to stand right next to him as he marries another man.”

Haru shoots him a sympathetic look from behind Mari and at least he’s only going to get one lecture today.

He sighs and looks back at Mari. “What does everyone want me to do? Leave Viktor completely? I’d rather have him like this, as a friend, than not at all.”

She makes a frustrated noise and Haru quietly grabs her hand and leads her towards the couch so she can be more comfortable. The gentle affection burns through his heart and he clamps down on his jealousy before it can rip through his chest.

“We want you to stop putting yourself through all this pain,” she says.

He isn’t sure what to say to that because he can understand where they’re coming from. If it was any of his friends or family going through this instead of him he’d want them to figure out a way to be, perhaps not happy, but at the very least content.

And he won’t lie and say he’s never thought about packing up his meager belongings, thanking Yakov for his time and hightailing it back to Japan because he has. But the moment he opens up a browser to book his flight he spirals into a panic attack.

This may be torture but at least he’s feeling  _something_. At least he can be here to watch Viktor smile and laugh and be happy because at the end of the day that’s all he’s ever wanted. Even before the accident.

The smile that pulls at his lips even tastes bitter on his tongue and Mari’s eyes narrow when she sees it. “I made a promise to him when I proposed,” he says.

“He doesn’t remember that promise. The only one who will know you broke it is you.”

None of them will ever understand and he prays that they never will because these last two years of his life aren’t ones he’d wish on his worst enemy (not that he has any but still). “I’ll need to run to the market if you’re staying a while,” is the only thing he says as he grabs the two suitcases and starts to make his way towards the guest bedroom.

Later, after Mari’s slept for a few hours and Haru’s still taking his own nap she finds him in the kitchen, sitting on the counter with a cup of tea cradled in his hands.

“Mom and dad are worried too, you know,” she says and walks over to the cabinets he keeps all his tea, sifting through them until finding one she likes. “They respected your decision to stay at first but now… Yuuri, I don’t think Viktor, your Viktor, would blame you for trying to heal.”

He doesn’t look at her when she speaks, just grips his cup tighter until he’s positive he won’t cry. “I know he wouldn’t,” he whispers. “But I love him, I love him so much. And if all I ever get to have is that year and a half we had together I’ll take it. And I’ll take his friendship over nothing every single time. What if this was Haru? Would you just leave?”

The moment he asks, he knows it’s unfair. It’s different for them because they’re married and they’re starting a family and you can’t hide those things no matter how much the other person forgets.  

Mari, thankfully, doesn’t call him out and just leans against the counter with her own cup in her hands. They stay there like that until the tea cools enough to drink and it isn’t until Mari finishes hers that she says something.

“I think you need to ask yourself if Viktor would want you doing this. I get what you’re saying, I do, but don’t you think your Viktor want the same for you? That man only ever wanted you to be happy,” she says and his eyes widen when he hears her voice crack with her own grief. “And I think you owe it to him to at least try.”

She gives him a sad smile and ruffles his hair as she leaves the kitchen to no doubt wake up Haru and all he can do is sit there, frozen by her words because he hates how right she is.

Pre-accident Viktor would want him to find happiness.

But that doesn’t mean it has to be with someone else. Yuuri knows, or has known rather, that romantic love isn’t the only way to be happy.

So, he places his cup in the sink and makes a decision he hopes he won’t regret later.

…

Viktor insists they order a whole bottle of sake at dinner, claims it wouldn’t be a proper Russian send off without it, and Yuuri knows it’s a bad idea even as he’s turning to relay their order to the kind restaurant owner. The woman speaks Russian but he knows from experience that it’s always nice to hear familiar words in a foreign place.

An hour later, Yuuri can’t remember why he thought getting sake was a bad idea. Or why he’s kept his mouth shut about his feelings for so long.

The restaurant closed a half hour ago and they managed to find a park nearby. Yuuri doesn’t feel drunk which probably means he definitely is and he drags Viktor to sit on a nearby bench because walking and talking at the same time is getting to be too complicated.

They’re quiet for a while before Viktor turns to look at him with that stupid, ridiculous pout that he loves so much, that he used to kiss away until Viktor was a giggling mess beneath him.

It’s hard to remember why he shoves the memories away.

“You’ll be back for the wedding right?”

He flinches and wishes he was drunker for this conversation. It hadn’t been easy telling Viktor that he’s going back to Japan, to be with his family when his sister gives birth and to stay there until the new season starts. He’d been hurt, especially since Yuuri had promised to be his best man…

“Viktor, please don’t,” he begs, closing his eyes against the tears.

There’s movement to his right and he bites the inside of his cheek when he feels Viktor’s hand on his shoulder. “Don’t what?”

_Don’t marry Ivan. Don’t break my heart again and again and again. Don’t make me live a future that isn’t the one we imagined together._

What comes out is:

“I love you. I’m completely and utterly in love with you and always will be even if you can’t remem—” he cuts himself off but it’s too late, the words are out there now. “Please don’t get married,” he finishes brokenly.

He registers that he probably just ruined his friendship with Viktor and stands but before he can run back to his apartment, Viktor grabs his wrist. “Yuuri, what do you mean—”

“Please, please don’t,” he begs, ready to get down on his knees if he must because he’s not sure how much more of this he can take.

Yuuri isn’t even sure what he’s begging for anymore. Isn’t sure if it’s for Viktor to stop flaunting his relationship in his face. Isn’t sure if it’s for Viktor to actually call off the wedding. He hasn’t been sure about anything for over two years now.

“You’re crying.”

Of course he is, when isn’t Yuuri pushing back tears until he can find some solitude? He feels Viktor’s grip loosen and he uses it to jerk his arm free. Viktor looks hurt by this and he stumbles back a few steps when he sees it because he doesn’t want to hurt Viktor. He’s never wanted that even if Viktor’s been hurting him for years.

He’s reaching out to brush back Viktor’s bangs before he can remember he can’t be affectionate like this with him anymore. “It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay. It has to be,” he mumbles before he’s finally turning and running.

He doesn’t stop running until he gets to Japan and even there it feels like he’ll never stop.

…

“Yuki, no!”

His nephew is too quick and disappears under the table before Yuuri can snatch him back up off the floor. Sighing, he sinks down to his knees and ignores the way his knees scream in protest. Yuki giggles as he attempts to crawl further away and once Yuuri’s finally scooped the boy up into his arms immediately finds all his ticklish spots.

And this is how Ivan Nikiforov-Petrov finds him.

When Yuuri finally realizes he’s standing there he freezes and Yuki reaches up to yank on his hair in protest.

Mari appears behind Ivan and shoots him an apologetic look before she’s sweeping into the room to take Yuki from his arms. “I’m sorry, I didn’t get a chance to warn you. He just barged in.”

He gives her a small smile, hoping it looks normal, and it must because she returns it before leaving the two of them alone. Ivan remains quiet and Yuuri has no idea what to make of what’s happening so even if he wanted to break the tension he wouldn’t be able to form the words.

“Why didn’t you say something?”

Yuuri’s mind screeches to a halt. While it’s a vague question, Yuuri isn’t an idiot and he always wondered if one day Yurio would finally follow through with his numerous threats and tell Ivan everything about his and Viktor’s life before the accident.

Ivan sighs and shakes his head. “I’m not mad, I swear, Yuuri. I just… I need to know why you kept the fact you and Viktor were two months away from getting  _married_ when you got into that accident.”  

He watches Ivan’s shoulders droop and he’s positive the emotional whiplash is going to bit him in the ass later. For now, though, he blurts out, “You made him happy.”

Ivan’s jerks his gaze up from the ground and Yuuri can tell he has no idea what to do with that answer.

So, he takes a shaky breath and tries again.

“We tried to live together after he was released from the hospital,” he starts. “I slept in the spare room with everything that could give away the fact we were engaged. They said it would overwhelm Viktor if we tried for fill him in on everything he was missing. But he asked me to give him some space and since the apartment was technically his…”

He laughs hollowly and shakes his head. “I thought. I always thought that we’d fall in love again. That I could sit him down and spread out all our memories on the table and show him our rings. But competitions kept us apart and our training schedules were completely different because I couldn’t skate on the same ice as him when he didn’t remember me. And that’s when he met you.”

When Yuuri looks back at Ivan, the other man hasn’t moved so he sighs and continues. “I love him. I’ll always love him. But… his happiness has always been more important to me than my own. And you gave that back to him.”

Ivan looks as though he’s been slapped and Yuuri can’t even begin to understand why. He’s always made sure Ivan never felt as though Viktor was the only one who wanted him, the only one who accepted him.

“How can you stand here and not hate me? I—I took him from you.”

Yuuri shakes his head and takes a step towards Ivan, to do what he isn’t sure but he just needs to move. “You didn’t. We weren’t together anymore when you met. If anyone “took” him from me it’s that drunk driver.”

Now it’s Ivan’s turn to shake his head. “I can see why he loves you.

What?

Ivan’s smile is sad when he re-focuses his attention on Yuuri and he isn’t sure what to make of it before Ivan’s pulling him into a hug. He tenses and thankfully, Ivan only hugs him for a moment. “The next time Viktor calls you, answer it.”

He’s halfway out the dining area when he turns to look back at Yuuri. “I may have made him smile and laugh, Yuuri,” he says. “But it was never me who made him truly happy.”

…

Ivan stays for a week, mostly keeping to himself either in his room or in the hot springs because “you bet your ass that I’m going to take advantage of these while I’m here” and when he wasn’t in either place he played with Yuki until they both were exhausted.

Two days after Ivan leaves, Yuuri’s phone rings. It takes a few moments to reorient himself before he actually reaches over and fumbles to answer the damn thing.

“Phichit why are you calling me in the middle of the night,” he mumbles because it’s the only person his sleep-addled mind can come up with.

For a moment there isn’t any sound and Yuuri wonders if Phichit managed to call him while asleep but before he can hang up he hears: “Yuuri.”

Any exhaustion that stubbornly clung to his mind vanishes the moment he registers that’s Viktor’s voice,  _his_  Viktor’s voice.

“Come outside.”

His heart bangs against his chest as he scrambles out of his bed, not even bothering to pull on his shoes when he gets to the front door. When he opens it his immediate thought is that he’s dreaming. The phone slips from his fingers and he’s sure that his screen’s all cracked now but he doesn’t care because Viktor is—

Here.

It isn’t until Viktor takes an aborted step forward that Yuuri catches the tears on his cheeks and his heart twists sharply in his chest. “Yuuri,” he says again. “I’m so sorry.”

Yuuri has no idea what he’s apologizing for but he darting across the front lawn and pulling Viktor into his arms. The moment he does Viktor collapses against him and it’s only the adrenaline racing through his veins that keeps them upright. Slowly, he kneels down on the ground and Viktor clings to him as he cries into Yuuri’s shoulder.

“Shh,” Yuuri murmurs against the crown of Viktor’s head. “You’re okay. It’s going to be alright.”

Viktor shakes his head and pulls Yuuri closer until he’s practically pressed against every inch of Viktor and memories bubble up to the surface when he feels Viktor’s lips brush against the hollow of his neck.

“I remember.”

Those two words shove his heart back into his chest so forcefully he freezes. Viktor tenses too and he pulls away enough to look Yuuri in the eyes. “I remember everything.”

It takes a few moments to register his own tears but when he does they only fall harder. “You what?” he croaks because now he’s positive this is a dream. It’s been nearly three years, the likelihood that Viktor will actually remember their life together was less than one percent.

Viktor hesitates, briefly, before he’s cupping Yuuri’s cheeks in his hands. “I came across our pair skate online,” he explains and Yuuri’s mind trips over itself to understand. “And I remembered everything as soon I saw you in that costume.”

Yuuri stares up at him, eyes blown wide and heart pounding against his chest and he doesn’t care if this is only a dream anymore. Doesn’t care if he stays trapped in it forever because at least here he has Viktor again.

So, he tilts his head and pushes himself up until his lips meet Viktor’s and his tears get worse because god, he’s missed this. Viktor makes a surprised noise but Yuuri swallows it up as he deepens the kiss, hands gripping Viktor’s hips tightly to hide the way his hands are shaking.

When they pull away, Viktor’s crying harder as well.

“How can you still love me after everything I’ve done to you?” he asks, brokenly and Yuuri hates how small Viktor sounds.

He reaches up to grab Viktor’s hands on his cheeks and pulls them away so he can kiss each knuckle. “I will never stop loving you, Viktor. No matter what.”

Viktor lets out a choked sob and he surges forward until they’re kissing again. Yuuri’s legs have long fallen asleep but he doesn’t care because he finally feels like he can breathe again, like he’s properly alive.

This time when they’re forced to part for air, Viktor showers his cheeks, and eyes, and forehead with kisses until Yuuri’s crying again. “I don’t want to wake up,” he admits, softly.

“Oh, Yuuri,” Viktor breaths against his temple. “You’re awake. This is real, I promise.”

He wants to believe Viktor’s words, really he does because this is exactly what he’s hoped would happen for three years now. But he can’t, he can’t put himself through more agony when he inevitably wakes up to an empty bed.

Viktor sighs when he doesn’t respond. “You’ll believe me in the morning.”

After that, they untangle themselves enough to head inside. Viktor refuses to let go of his hand and Yuuri isn’t about to force him to stop so they somehow manage to get Viktor’s suitcases up the stairs without waking anyone.

Once they’re in his room, Yuuri slowly undresses Viktor and Viktor does the same to him until they’re standing there in nothing but their boxers. The moonlight catches Viktor’s hair through the window and Yuuri reaches up to brush them behind his ears.

“We should sleep, we have a lot to talk about in the morning,” Viktor murmurs as he leans in to press a kiss to the corner of Yuuri’s lips.

His eyes flutter closed, knees weak from the gentle affection he’s missed so much. Reaching out, he laces their fingers together and pulls Viktor into his bed. It’s difficult to find a comfortable position in his tiny bed but they manage it.

“I love you, Yuuri.”

He smiles and brushes a kiss against Viktor’s shoulder. “I love you, too.”

Sleep comes easily after that.

…

In the morning, it isn’t his phone that wakes him up but rather the sun and Yuuri’s confused because he knows he set his alarm before he fell asleep.

He opens his eyes and glares up at the window (while mentally kicking himself for not pulling the curtains closed before he went to sleep) but he freezes when he hears a soft snore from behind him.

Oh god. Did he get drunk last night and bring someone home?

The thought makes him sick but the sooner he confronts the stranger behind him the faster he can get them out of here before his family sees. Slowly, he forces himself to turn to his other side and—

Screams.

Viktor jerks awake, nearly knocking his head into Yuuri’s, who’s realizing that beautiful dream he had last night wasn’t, in fact, a dream and oh god, oh god, Viktor’s really here, Viktor really remembers.

“Yuuri? Yuuri are you okay? What’s wrong?” Viktor’s voice is frantic and his hands are checking Yuuri for any possible injuries and that’s when the tears fall in earnest.

“It wasn’t a dream.”

That immediately calms Viktor down, who looks at him with love in his eyes and a smile on his lips and Yuuri can’t believe this is actually happening. “No, Yuuri. It wasn’t a dream.”

He throws himself into Viktor’s arms and presses his face into the crook of Viktor’s neck. There are so many questions he wants to ask, so many things they need to sort out but for now, he doesn’t care about any of that.

Because he’s finally home again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Viktor's POV for the prelude will be coming soon <3


	2. prelude: viktor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, Viktor's half of the prelude. <3

“I’m glad you decided to keep this place,” Ivan says as he sets down the last box in the living room. “You’ve always seemed more comfortable here.”

Viktor glances up from the box he’d begun to go through and gives his ex-husband a small smile. “Yeah, I am too.” He hesitates, chewing his bottom lip briefly to ease some of the anxiety in his chest. “Ivan, look, I’m—”

“I know you are.” Ivan interrupts. “And I am too, but we gave it our best shot. We can walk away from each other knowing that at least.”

Honestly, he isn’t sure what to do with that answer because their marriage is ending and he should be more upset about it than he is. So, did he genuinely try his hardest?

That nagging feeling in the back of his mind flares again and he does his best to ignore it as he stands and walks into the kitchen to make Ivan one last cup of tea before going their separate ways. He opens the cupboard to the right of the fridge and freezes when he sees a box of pomegranate green tea sitting there, unopened.

Oh.

 _Yuuri_.

He forgot that Yuuri had left this when he moved out of the apartment. Was that honestly almost three years ago now? “Viktor? You alright?” Ivan asks from behind him and he flinches.

“Yeah, sorry just got lost in thought,” he says before grabbing the kettle, filling it with water and setting it on the stove. Ivan is kind enough to help him organize the boxes so they’re all in the right rooms and by the time they’re done with that the kettle goes off.

It should probably be awkward, Viktor thinks, but it’s not and he’s grateful for it. They’re leaning against the counter, mirrors of each other and Ivan shoots him a smile when he sets his empty cup down.

“I suppose I should let you unpack,” he says and this is it. This is the end of a chapter of his life and Viktor should feel sad about it but he doesn’t.

(It helps, that Ivan doesn’t look sad either. He’ll sleep a little easier tonight knowing he didn’t ruin this man’s life because he quietly asked for a divorce two months ago.)

Viktor sets down his half-empty cup and walks Ivan to the door and he knows it’s probably awful for him to feel relief but he does. Ivan gives him one last smile, the kind that used to make his heart feel a little lighter when he didn’t understand why it felt so heavy and he does his best to return it.

“I’ll see you around, Viktor,” Ivan says with his hand still on the doorknob. He turns slightly and for the first time Viktor can see a hint of sadness in the man’s green eyes. “I hope you can find that happiness you keep looking for.”

And then he’s gone, leaving Viktor standing alone in his apartment with a torrent of emotions swirling in his chest.

His first instinct is to call Yuuri but his thumb hovers over the call button. When Yuuri didn’t come back for his wedding or when the new season began (and he still can’t believe Yakov is agreeing to coach Yuuri through videos) he was angry.

But the memory of that night they went out to Yuuri’s favorite Japanese restaurant (“it’s not my favorite, it’s the only one within a twenty mile radius that’s actually authentic, Vitya!”) always washes it away.

_“I love you. I’m completely and utterly in love with you and always will be even if you can’t remem—”_

_Viktor can’t breathe, can’t seem to do anything but stare in surprise at his friend because he had no idea, none at all but that nagging feeling returns and he wonders if he should have known this whole time._

_“Please don’t get married,” Yuuri finishes brokenly and Viktor doesn’t understand why his heart feels like it’s cracking apart._

Viktor may not have hurt Ivan when he asked for a divorce. But he did hurt Yuuri when he decided to get married in the first place.

He presses the call button.

And just like every other time Viktor’s tried to reach Yuuri it rings and rings and rings until the only way he gets to hear Yuuri’s voice is voicemail greeting. The soft tones of Yuuri speaking in Japanese and then English wrap around his heart and Viktor closes his eyes until he hears the soft beep that signals he can begin his message.

He hangs up.

“Come home, please.”

…

Yura, of course, is the first to show up at his door after he’s moved back in. He’s only a couple centimeters shorter than Viktor now and he isn’t sure what to make of that. There are nearly two years of missing memories and it’s always amazed him when he reaches back how much Yura’s changed since he was thirteen.

The nearly twenty year old Yura, barges inside and prompt reminds Viktor that the more things change the more remains the same as well.

“At least take off your shoes before you put them on my coffee table, please,” he says brightly while he shuts the door.

There’s grumbling behind him but he hears twin thuds and a smile tugs at his lips when he sees Yura’s sock-clad feet carefully avoiding everything on the table. Viktor wisely keeps his comments to himself as he settles onto the opposite end of the couch and grabs his book while he waits for Yura to say what’s on his mind.

It doesn’t take long but what Yura says isn’t what Viktor expects in the slightest. “This place feels just like it did before you and Katsudon—”

Frustration churns in his chest when yet again, someone cuts themselves off when they’re talking about Yuuri, specifically him and Yuuri. It’s been so long since the accident that he isn’t sure why they hold back anymore, whatever they have to say won’t be overwhelming. Not anymore, not since he’s accepted the fact those memories are gone and likely aren’t coming back.

He keeps this to himself, however, and simply shoots Yura the kind of smile he used to give the press. “Well, I only moved back in yesterday so give me some more time.”

Yura shakes his head and picks up his phone to text Otabek most likely. “No amount of decorating will fix what’s wrong with this place, Viktor.”

There are so many questions bubbling up his throat but he keeps his mouth shut. He knows none of them will give him actual answers.

Instead, he directs the conversation to Yura’s programs for the upcoming season and five minutes in Yura’s his usual self, yelling about how he wants to beat Yuuri and Yuuri’s records and how Viktor needs to create a program that’ll be the most difficult one anyone has ever seen.

This, at least, temporarily distracts him from that nagging feeling that’s only gotten worse as time goes on.

…

“How is Yuuri doing?” Viktor asks, aiming for casual but Yakov gives him a look that tells him he’s failed spectacularly.

He shrugs, unbothered, and waits for Yakov to either answer him properly for once or brush the question off like he normally does. “He’s fine,” Yakov says and for a moment that’s all Viktor believes he’ll get. “His knees are giving him trouble here and there so he’s talking about retiring after Worlds.”

The next words out of his mouth surprise even him. “He hasn’t won five championships yet though.”

And Viktor knows he just said something that must come from his lost memories because Yakov stands a little straighter and searches for something in his expression. Viktor wishes that they’d tell him what they know because feeling this confusion is getting old.

In front of them, Yura falls on his third attempt at a quad lutz and everything feels both the same yet completely different.

And when Yura shouts and both of them after they suggest he start his cool-down exercises, Viktor makes a decision.

It’s one he should have made a long time ago and he only hopes it isn’t too late.

…

Viktor hasn’t searched his own name online in well over a decade and while the temptation had been there after he woke up with a gaping hole in his memory he figured his family and friends would mention anything important.

The first thing that comes up on YouTube proves how incredibly foolish that was of him to believe.

**KATSUKI YUURI & VIKTOR NIKIFOROV PAIR SKATE EX GPF 2016**

His breath freezes in his lungs when the thumbnail reveals Viktor wearing his Stammi Vicino costume but Yuuri’s wearing an identical one in blue.

The movies always made it seem like when someone’s memory returned, it happened in a bang, with a startled gasp and a flurry of tears, as emotions hit the character all at once.

This is not how Viktor Nikiforov remembers his missing year and a half.

In fact, Viktor doesn’t realize anything happened at all until his seventh rewatch of the video and as he watches himself pull Yuuri into the second lift of the program he finds himself reminiscing on how many times they fell practicing it in Hasetsu and how Yuuri had kissed the bruise on his hip until he was giggling and squirming instead of trying to ignore the pain.

The dramatic bang happens when his phone clatters to the floor as it slips from his grasp.

_Yuuri._

“Oh my god.”

What has he done?

He… he asked Yuuri to leave and then proceeded to… to…

There is no Makkachin for him to press his face into her fur and cry like he’s done so many times in the past. Instead, he’s forced to confront his tears as he curls inward when he realizes how deeply he’s hurt the man he loves.

And he still loves him, of course he does, even with three years of memories after that awful, awful day. It makes sense now, why he could never be fully happy with Ivan because even while his memories were gone his heart remembered enough to hold him back.

He’s been such a fool.

The next day he’s in Moscow, on his parents’ doorstep ringing the bell until the finally open the door and when his mama looks at him her eyes widen. “Oh, Vitya,” she murmurs and pulls him into her arms.

“Why didn’t any of you say something?” he manages to say through his tears. “Why did you let me do that to Yuuri?”

Several minutes later, his papa sets a fresh cup of tea down in front of him and Viktor can’t bring himself to drink it because suddenly he can’t get that box of pomegranate green tea out of his head. Which leads him to think of Yuuri. Who’s in Japan right now because Viktor broke his heart until the only option he had was to run.

Yuuri who has no idea Viktor remembers.

“Vitya,” his papa says and he finally lifts his gaze up from the table. “Yuuri’s the one who asked all of us to not say anything.”

Hurt sears through his heart and he tries his best to stomp it out because he knows his pain is insignificant compared Yuuri’s. “I don’t understand,” he mumbles, looking back down at his cup of tea.

His mama reaches out to grab his hand and he feels guilty for waking them so early. “I think,” she begins, softly. “That he hoped you would fall in love with him again.”

A tear splashes into his tea and he feels as though he failed. Memories or not Viktor should have fallen in love with Yuuri over and over and over again because Yuuri is…

“Please don’t blame yourself,” his papa says, gentle and kind and he doesn’t deserve it. “I know Yuuri never did while he was here and I doubt that’s changed since he went back to Japan.”

It doesn’t make him feel better. Nothing will until he can see Yuuri again and apologize. He doesn’t expect anything to change but he needs Yuuri to know that if he could take back all the pain he’s caused he would in a heartbeat.

He stays with his parents for a few more days, tries to sift through the complicated ball of emotions lodged in his chest. Anger is the first thing he tackles because it’s the most destructive and he’s so, so tired of ruining his life - intentionally or not. What surprises him most is when he finds anger directed at Yuuri.

It’s ridiculous really, because while he imagines he wouldn’t ever leave Yuuri if their roles were switched, he knows that probably wouldn’t have been the case. But it still hurts, still makes him want to curl his fingers into a fist when he remembers how Yuuri didn’t even try to fight to stay by Viktor’s side after the accident, how he just quietly left to find his own place and leave Viktor to pick up the pieces of his life.

He knows it’s far more complicated than that.

After that, he tries to tackle the guilt. Tries to wade his way through three years of memories that used to be mundane but now stab him through the heart whenever he recalls Yuuri’s face. How did he miss it the first time? How did he miss the agony in Yuuri’s eyes when Viktor introduced him to Ivan for the first time?

“Have you called him yet?” his papa asks as they sit out on the porch and watch the sun creep over the horizon.

Viktor sips at his tea and tries to figure out a way to answer without losing the feeble grip he has on his emotions. “No,” he whispers. “There’s a couple things I need to do first before I go back to Hasetsu.”

His papa hums but doesn’t say anything further, which isn’t all that unexpected. None of them know how to handle this.

“I’ve texted though, hoping maybe…” he shakes his head and wills his eyes to remain dry. “I don’t know when I’ll be back when I leave.”

That, his papa acknowledges properly. And Viktor finds he can’t look away from the very eyes he inherited. He feels ten years old again, begging his parents to let him train under Yakov and his papa had given him this very look before agreeing and his life changing forever.

He gets the feeling it’s about the change again.  

“If that boy still loves you after everything, after all these years, you would be a fool if you came back,” his papa says. “Ivan was a good man, but he did not see you as a whole person with flaws that make you who you are. Yuuri always spoke of you fondly even when it was clear you were testing his patience.”

His heart tears itself apart in his chest with each word because the truth is always painful. Especially when it comes to love.

…

“Viktor?”

In hindsight, he probably should have text Ivan that they needed to talk before just showing up but the last week has been one long emotional rollercoaster so he doesn’t give himself too hard of a time.

He gives his ex-husband a weak smile. “Hey, sorry to just drop by but can we talk?” he asks and Ivan seems to gather his wits because he nods and opens the door a little wider.

The apartment is nearly unchanged, though Viktor can see all the empty spaces on the walls where pictures of their wedding and their lives together used to hang.

Shaking his head, he settles down onto the couch as Ivan closes the front door. “You look like shit. What happened?”

He laughs and it sounds bitter even to his own ears so he does his best to swallow his emotions down before Ivan calls in doctors to cart him away. (Not that he thinks Ivan would actually do such a thing but life is full of surprises it seems.)

“I came to apologize,” he begins and holds a hand up to stop the words on the tip of Ivan’s tongue. “Because I didn’t give our relationship my best shot and that’s my fault. And I hope you’ll be able to forgive me one day for that.”

Ivan’s brow dips further and further down into confusion until finally, he asks, “What?”

“I remembered,” he says. “I remembered that year and a half I was missing. And I was two months away from marrying Yuuri when it happened.”

Ivan doesn’t move, doesn’t even blink and Viktor does his best to keep still himself even though every cell in his body is screaming to fidget. When Ivan does finally speak it’s his turn to be surprised.

“He must hate me.”

Viktor isn’t sure what to make of Ivan’s reaction. He had walked into this once familiar apartment expecting Ivan to be upset, to look at him with nothing but betrayal in his eyes. It doesn’t matter that Viktor had no idea until a week ago that he was even engaged to Yuuri, even in love with him because somehow, he still should have known.

So, he shakes his head and blinks a few times to reassure himself he’s still awake. “What?”

Ivan looks at him and all Viktor can see is mortification. Which doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. “Yuuri. He must hate me. I would if I were him. If I hadn’t come along…”  

He shakes his head and reaches out to rest a hand on Ivan’s shoulder. “No,” he says as firmly as he can. “Yuuri doesn’t. You know he isn’t like that.”

There’s silence for a few moments and Viktor wishes he had something to distract himself with as he waits for everything to sink in for Ivan. It must be difficult, to learn that your ex-husband was engaged to a man you considered to be a close friend.

“Why didn’t he say anything?”

Viktor flinches, he had hoped Ivan wouldn’t ask this particular question. “I’m not sure. Mama thinks it’s because he hoped I’d fall in love with him again without feeling like I had to because of what we were before.”

Ivan groans and rubs his hands down his face and Viktor wishes he could erase the guilt Ivan’s feeling. The only one between the three of them that should harbor that burden is himself. “Ivan don’t—”

“No, I’m going to feel guilty about this. A horrible thing happened to both of you and I stumbled into your lives and made it even worse. Unknowingly or not I still hurt Yuuri and ultimately you too.”

His papa was right, Ivan is a good man and Viktor didn’t deserve his kindness.

…

“I’m going to Japan.”

Yakov is thankfully already sitting down by the time Viktor barges into his office a few days later because he looks as though he would’ve stumbled in surprise.

It took some time to find the right coaches for the younger kids he’d taken over from Yakov a couple years ago and now all that’s left is well, this. “I remembered everything,” he continues and Yakov’s eyes nearly bug out of his head when he confesses. “And I need to tell Yuuri so I can apologize for what I did.”

Yakov sighs and this, at least, is familiar. Twenty years of memories where he’d spring new ideas or walk in with a sprained wrist to have Yakov do just what he’s doing now. It’s comforting and he lets that sink into his bones to help calm him down.

“You have nothing to apologize for and I can tell you right now Yuuri’s going to tell you the same thing when you get there.”

Viktor knows this, because that’s just who Yuuri is. And Viktor loves him for it. Loves him for his kindness, his beauty on and off the ice, and even though it upsets him that Yuuri’s selflessness caused Yuuri pain, he loves that too.

So, he shakes his head and lets his head rest on the back of his chair. “I know but I still need to apologize anyway.”

Yakov rolls his eyes and this tugs a small smile from Viktor’s lips and god, it feels good to smile like this again. He watches as his old coach shuffles some papers around on his desk and it hits Viktor at that moment how old they’re both getting.

“You know,” Yakov says. “I was going to ask you to take over Yura and Mila’s training after this season but I suppose you’ll be in Japan when that happens. Yura will probably follow you there but I should look for a new coach for Mila.”

“Yakov, I’m—”

“None of that boy,” Yakov interrupts, with that familiar gruff voice that always reminds Viktor of easier days. “You would be a fool if you didn’t go after him. And I know your father likely told you the same thing.”

He nods, afraid if he says more hope will bloom in his heart that Yuuri will sweep him into his arms and let him back into his life.

“I hope this time, life is kinder to you both.”

…

The front entrance to Yutopia slides open and there’s Yuuri and oh god, he’s still achingly beautiful and how could he have forgotten this feeling in his chest the swells and devours him. Part of him wishes he’d taken that later flight into Fukuoka so he would’ve arrived in the morning but…

He’s made Yuuri wait long enough.

Viktor had hoped, when he got here that he’d be able to keep his composure but the look on Yuuri’s face tears it away. He tries to take a step forward, but finds himself overwhelmed and all he can manage to say is, “Yuuri, I’m so sorry.”

It happens so quickly, Viktor doesn’t have any time to prepare. One moment he’s staring at Yuuri across the lawn, desperately wishing he could kiss Yuuri, and the next Yuuri’s wrapping him up into his arms.

That’s when he finally and truly breaks because he doesn’t deserve this. Yuuri keeps them from toppling over when Viktor can’t hold himself up anymore and he barely registers feeling the ground beneath his knees. None of that matters as he presses his face into the crook of Yuuri’s neck.

“Shh,” Yuuri murmurs against the crown of his head. “You’re okay. It’s going to be alright.”

And for the first time since he asked Ivan for the divorce, since he remembered everything, he honestly believes those words. Still, he finds himself shaking his head because it can’t be that simple, not after all the suffering Yuuri’s endured.

His lips brush against Yuuri’s neck and he remembers, abruptly, that he didn’t say the words yet. Didn’t tell Yuuri what he flew halfway around the world to say. His heart bangs against his chest when he finally, finally says, “I remember.”

Yuuri freezes immediately and he tenses too, afraid that Yuuri’s warm welcome will turn cold so he pulls away slowly before repeating himself. “I remember everything.”

It doesn’t surprise him that Yuuri starts to cry, even though he hates he’s the reason for the tears and he feels his own fall harder in response when Yuuri says, “You what?” like it’s impossible for the world to be kind to him.

Viktor’s never been the best at comforting Yuuri when he’s crying. He liked to think back before the accident that he’d been getting steadily better at it so he taps into those memories and hesitates for only a moment before he’s reaching up to cradle Yuuri’s face in his hands.

“I found our pair skate online,” he begins. “And I remembered everything the moment I saw you in your costume.”

He watches Yuuri’s eyes widen in disbelief and hope and before he can say more, Yuuri’s shifting upward and—

Oh.

Of all the ways he imagined their reunion going this was only reserved for his dreams, never reality but Yuuri’s kissing him like he never wants to stop and when he feels Yuuri’s hands on his hips there’s no doubt this is actually happening.

Yuuri pulls away and Viktor can barely make him out through the blur of his tears. “How can you still love me after everything I’ve done to you,” he whispers, broken and overwhelmed because he doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve it at all.

But Yuuri seems to think otherwise and his breath catches in his throat when Yuuri grabs his hands and pulls them away from his face to kiss each knuckle. “I will never stop loving you, Viktor. No matter what.”

A sob claws its way up his throat and he chokes on it as he surges forward to kiss Yuuri because he has so much he needs to make up for and the only way he can think of to start is by kissing this beautiful man until the world falls away. If Yuuri will let him, Viktor will make sure every single moment for the rest of their lives Yuuri never feels like he’s lost Viktor’s love again.

He’s reluctant to pull away but he knows Yuuri wouldn’t appreciate him passing out but the moment he catches his breath enough he’s showering Yuuri’s cheeks and eyes and forehead with more kisses.

Until Yuuri murmurs, “I don’t want to wake up,” and his heart twists painfully.

“Oh, Yuuri,” he whispers. “You’re awake. This is real, I promise.”

Yuuri doesn’t say anything and it only breaks Viktor’s heart further that Yuuri’s gotten to the point that he believes only in his dreams will Viktor remember him. Where he can be loved like this. He sighs and pulls Yuuri closer. “You’ll believe me in the morning.”

They stay like this for a few more moments before finally untangling themselves. Yuuri helps him with his suitcases and he’s thankful they don’t manage to wake up any of Yuuri’s family. Though, he isn’t particularly eager to look Mama Hiroko in the eyes after what he’s done.

For now though, for now, they shut themselves into Yuuri’s bedroom and shove his suitcases in the corner.

The moonlight illuminates Yuuri when he turns and Viktor finds it impossible to breath when Yuuri reaches out and grips the hem of his t-shirt. It’s hard not to cry again when Yuuri undresses him and lets Viktor undress him in return but he manages to keep them to himself as they stand there soaking each other in.

His eyes flutter shut when Yuuri reaches up to brush back his bangs and his heart is torn between soaring with joy and sinking with guilt when he remembers the last time Yuuri did this. Before his heart can decide, he leans in and presses a kiss to the corner of Yuuri’s lips, glad that he can remember how much Yuuri loves it when he does this.

He’s rewarded with a soft sigh and the corners of his lips pull up into a smile. “We should sleep. We have a lot to talk about in the morning.”

Yuuri’s response is to lace their fingers together and pull him into bed. It takes them a few moments to figure out a comfortable position but when they do all of his exhaustion slams into him. “I love you, Yuuri,” he mumbles.

He’s half asleep when he feels Yuuri’s lips brush against his shoulder and his heart skips a beat when Yuuri says, “I love you, too.”

…

Viktor’s having a rather pleasant dream when a scream rips him awake. It takes a second to realize where he is and who screamed but the moment he does he’s sitting up. He’s reaching out to check Yuuri for any injuries on autopilot.

“Yuuri? Yuuri, are you okay? What’s wrong?” he says and it sounds frantic to his own ears but he doesn’t care because Yuuri wouldn’t have screamed for no reason.

“It wasn’t a dream.”

Oh.

Memories of the night before slot back into place and he immediately calms. He smiles at Yuuri and reaches up to brush back some of Yuuri’s bangs. “No, Yuuri,” he says, soft and tender. “It wasn’t a dream.”

Yuuri throws himself forward and Viktor gladly pulls him into his arms, sighing when Yuuri presses his face into the crook of his neck.

He isn’t sure how long they stay like this and Viktor’s pretty sure they could have fallen asleep like this if there wasn’t a knock on Yuuri’s door and Mari’s voice asking if Yuuri was alright.

Viktor starts to laugh and Yuuri promptly claps a hand over his mouth to keep him quiet. He shoots Viktor a pointed look and he raises his hands in surrender as he tells Mari’s he’s alright and he’ll be down in a little bit.

“What was that?” Yuuri asks, fond and exasperated already and it warms his heart.

“I remember Japanese again.”

The words seem to startle Yuuri for a moment before his expression melts into something soft and tender and Viktor pulls Yuuri in for a kiss. And just as he starts getting the idea to press Yuuri into these sheets and take him apart with his lips, Yuuri pulls away.

“Wait,” he says and Viktor doesn’t like the anxious expression on Yuuri’s face. “What about Ivan?”

His mind screeches to a halt and he stares up at Yuuri bewildered for a moment before asking, “What about him?”

That apparently is the wrong thing to say because Yuuri’s climbing off his lap and glaring at him. “He’s your husband, oh my god you’re married and I kissed you. I mean he was here just a few days ago and it seemed like you two weren’t…”

There are several things he needs to address but he freezes when he sees a long scar stretch across Yuuri’s left collarbone and he follows it up and around Yuuri’s shoulder. The only way Yuuri could have gotten this was if it happened in the…

“Viktor?”

He blinks and tears his gaze away from Yuuri’s shoulder to find that ridiculously adorable concerned pinch between Yuuri’s brows. “We’re not married,” he says, dumbly and promptly wants to smack himself. “Ivan and I that is. We got a divorce two months before I even remembered everything.”

Yuuri tenses and Viktor knows well enough by now to keep his hands to himself when Yuuri gets like this. So, he waits.

“How long have you remembered?”

Viktor’s aware there is a wrong answer. That he could fumble over his words or string the wrong ones together and Yuuri will shut him out. So, he takes a deep breath and slowly reaches out to grab Yuuri’s hand, grateful when Yuuri glances down but doesn’t pull away.

“I remembered roughly two weeks ago,” he says. “I wanted to call you right after I did but I was frankly, a mess so I went to my parents’ to try and figure out how to fix everything. I was also a little angry”

There’s no way he can hide that from Yuuri and he watches Yuuri’s expression ripple with pain when he flinches. “Viktor, I—”

He reaches up and covers Yuuri’s mouth with his hand. “Don’t,” he says firmly. “You have nothing to apologize for. I realized after a while that I would have done the same thing, if it was you who forgot and asked me to leave.”

Yuuri shakes his head, dislodging Viktor’s hand and he uses it to brush away the fresh tears falling down Yuuri’s cheeks. “I only ever wanted you to be happy,” Yuuri whispers.

And god, Viktor loves him so damn much.

“Please don’t be a martyr like that again,” he begs because they hopefully both have long lives to lead and he has no idea what’s in store for them after this and the thought of Yuuri suffering again makes his heart ache.

Yuuri shakes his head and wraps his arms around Viktor’s neck, pulling himself closer until their foreheads are touching. “I can’t promise that,” he whispers and before Viktor can protest he swoops in for a quick kiss. “But I can promise I’ll never leave again.”

He leans up, fully intending to follow through with his earlier idea when the door to Yuuri’s room opens and—

“Vicchan?”

Yuuri throws his head back and laughs when Viktor squeaks at the sound of Hiroko’s voice.

He’s home, he’s home,  _he’s home_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've reached this point - thank you! 
> 
> The rest of this story will focus on Yuuri and Viktor's journey of reconnecting and figuring out where to go from here on out. So, it won't be your typical amnesia fic where most of it is about the pain and suffering that happens to couples when memories are lost but rather how they recover from their trauma and build a stronger future for themselves once memories are regained.
> 
> Since I hadn't planned on this fic actually turning into more than just a prompt ficlet I can't promise when updates will occur but I'll do my best to update frequently rather than sporadically. <3
> 
> If it's your thing, feel free to follow me on tumblr at [ofviktor](https://ofviktor.tumblr.com/). :)


	3. chapter one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly surprised how quickly I got this chapter written but I'm just going with the flow of my muse haha! 
> 
> **Please notice the rating change and tag updates!!!** There is a flashback scene in this chapter that contains sexual content. I won't spoil what happens in this scene but please head the new rating and tags. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy <3

 

 **via dolorosa** ( _noun_ ): a distressing or painful journey or process.

 

 

Yuuri can’t stop looking at Viktor every thirty seconds, can’t bring himself to leave whatever room Viktor’s in because he’s afraid if he does Viktor will vanish. Out of the corner of his eye he sees his dad shoot him a slightly concerned look and he sighs, focusing back on his breakfast and not on his mom fretting about to make sure Vicchan is comfortable.

Logically, Yuuri knows none of this is a dream but he can’t shake the feeling that all of this is too good to be true.

He glances at Viktor again.

And his heart twists painfully in his chest. In the morning light, Yuuri can’t help but notice the new wrinkles in the corners of Viktor’s eyes ones that weren’t there nearly a year ago when he left Russia, ones that didn’t form because Yuuri was the one making him smile and laugh and—

Yuki’s climbing into his lap, demanding attention.

He looks down at his nephew and smiles. There’s been a lot of pain and heartache for him these last few years but Yuki is a brilliant bright spot in the midst of all of that, along with Axel, Loop and Lutz.

Viktor laughs and it draws his attention upward again when it sounds off. Before he can try to figure out what’s wrong Haru appears next to him, stroking Yuki’s hair back affectionately. “So he just showed up last night?” his brother-in-law asks quietly.

Yuuri laughs as memories bubble to the surface. “It isn’t the first time he’s done it without any warning. Didn’t I ever tell you how he became my coach?”

That earns Yuuri a pointed look, which has him grimacing slightly. Right, Haru met Mari after he moved to St. Petersburg with Viktor and then…

“I’m sorry,” Haru interrupts and Yuuri’s grateful from being spared going down that particular rabbit hole. “Mari’s told me bits and pieces but I think she figured you’d fill in the rest.”

He sighs, unsurprised by this. She’s always thought he’d feel better about losing Viktor if he talked about things, the good and the bad, if he let himself feel his grief in a healthy way. Yuuri can’t help but think she was probably right, that he should have come back to Hasetsu sooner.

“My first Grand Prix Final didn’t go well,” he starts, soft as to not interrupt Viktor’s conversation with his mom. “I lost Vicchan, ate horrible foods and didn’t get any sleep. I completely bombed my free skate. Celestino made me go to the banquet so I decided to drink champagne… lots of it.”

Has it really been nearly five years since that day? He wonders, briefly, if he had the chance to stop himself from getting blackout drunk that night if he would. Right after the accident, Yuuri wouldn’t erase his time with Viktor, never even contemplated it because those memories were both his source of comfort and agony.

But now? Now, he’s older and feels broken beyond repair.

Shaking his head, he starts bouncing Yuki when he makes an unhappy nose against his chest. “According to Viktor and Chris I got into a dance off with Yurio, pole danced with Chris and seduced Viktor by dancing with him. Apparently, I also asked him to be my coach while grinding on him. He pined for months until the triplets posted that video of me doing his routine.”

For a moment, Haru doesn’t do anything but stare at him and the corners of Yuuri’s lips quirk up into an amused smile. It does sound rather ridiculous when he puts it like that.

“And after he saw the video he what? Just showed up here?” Haru asks, disbelief clear as day in his voice.

There’s movement to his right and he flinches in surprise but then hears, “Yup! It was the best decision I ever made.”

_Until you decided to take a faster way home that night and forgot me, forgot us._

The thought surprises Yuuri and he tenses immediately. Thankfully the only one to notice is Yuki, who stirs and blinks up at him for a moment before burrowing back against his chest.

Part of him wants to flee, to deal with this anger he hadn’t realized he’s been harboring out on the ice like he’s always done. But the other part of him, the one that ends up winning, can’t bring him to leave Viktor’s side.

Oh.

He should have realized last night that Viktor coming back into his life like this wouldn’t be easy. They’ve been apart longer than they were together and it doesn’t matter that before the accident it felt as though Yuuri had been with Viktor his whole life.

In a way, they’re strangers all over again.

“Yuuri?” Viktor’s voice pulls him back to the present and he turns to see a once familiar expression of concern.

It serves as a reminder that they don’t have to start over completely and the pain in his chest eases slightly. There are still parts of Viktor that he’ll always know and parts of himself that Viktor remembers again.

So, he smiles and lets Viktor see the pain lurking in the corners because there’s no hiding it from him anymore. “This isn’t going to be easy,” he whispers.

Viktor’s expression softens and he reaches out to brush some of Yuuri’s hair back behind his ears. “No,” he agrees. “It won’t be. But we’re together again so that’s a start.”

He leans forward until their foreheads are touching and closes his eyes. “A start,” he echoes. “Is much better than an ending.”

 

. . . 

 

The beach isn’t empty by the time they get there and Yuuri isn’t all that surprised. (He can’t help but be grateful too, can’t imagine reliving a memory right now.)

Viktor is quiet beside him and Yuuri wishes he could peek inside that beautiful mind to gauge how Viktor's feeling right now. If he’s feeling the same relief, the same nervousness as him. And it’s rather ridiculous to be nervous around Viktor, considering everything they’ve been through and what they used to be.

But perhaps that’s exactly why he is.

They find a quiet stretch of beach, far enough away that they still have some privacy to speak without being overheard.

It’s then that Yuuri’s keenly aware of Makkachin’s missing presence and his heart sinks slightly at the memory of her. Of how he hadn’t been there the day she passed because Viktor had asked him to move out and they hadn’t quite gotten around to being friends again.

It seems fate likes keeping him away when he loses the dogs he loves dearly.

“What are you thinking about?”

When Yuuri looks over at Viktor all he can see is hesitation, as if he’s no longer allowed to be privy to what races through Yuuri’s mind. And he supposes, that used to be true because his first instinct is to tell Viktor it’s nothing, like he used to do for two years but everything’s different now.

So, he takes a deep breath and forces himself to keep his gaze locked with Viktor’s. “Makkachin,” he starts. “And how I wasn’t there when she passed away.”

Viktor pales and Yuuri expects to feel guilt, but it never comes. Instead, it washes over Viktor’s expression as he drops his gaze to the sand. Yuuri grabs one of Viktor’s hands (the one that used to wear the ring he bought, the one that wore a ring Ivan put on) and waits for Viktor to sort through whatever he needs to.

It’s a good thing he’s always had decent patience because Yuuri has a feeling he’ll need a lot of it over the next however many months.

“I know saying sorry won’t be enough,” Viktor finally says, lifting his gaze upward to catch Yuuri’s again. “You loved her too and you should have… you should have been there.”

Yuuri takes his own deep breath. “Yes, I should have,” he says because it’s the truth. Makkachin may have been Viktor’s at  first but she quickly became _theirs_ when Viktor first showed up in Hasetsu. And it wasn’t like with Vicchan, where it was Yuuri’s choice to be a whole ocean away. He knew back then it was always a possibility that he would miss the day Vicchan passed.

Makkachin though? He was only five blocks away when it happened.

A silence settles over their shoulders and it’s a little tense, a little awkward so Yuuri grips Viktor’s hand tighter hoping the longer he holds on the faster it’ll feel normal again.

“You could have been there,” Viktor says and Yuuri looks away from the waves sharply. “If you had stayed.”

Anger flares beneath his ribs and he does his best to keep it from escaping. Viktor’s words from earlier curl in his mind but he knows intimately that understanding an action or decision doesn’t always align with how you feel about it.

Viktor’s looking at him far too closely for Yuuri’s liking right now and the urge to yank his hand away crawls under his skin.

“You’re angry,” Viktor observes and Yuuri can hear his own restrained emotions beneath the calm facade.

So, Yuuri lets out a shaky sigh in a futile hope to center himself. “Yes,” he admits because hiding anything from each other right now could ruin their new life before it even begins. “I didn’t want to leave. You asked me to and I wasn’t going to force my way into your life if you didn’t want me there. No matter how much it hurt.”

Viktor sighs and shifts so he’s facing Yuuri instead of the ocean. “I think we should get all our anger out now. Especially you, you’ve held onto it for years Yuuri.”

He starts to shake his head, afraid at first that his anger could push Viktor away because Yuuri knows, deep down his anger truly lies at the man who caused all of this, who drank too much and no one thought to stop him before he climbed behind the wheel.

But that man isn’t around for Yuuri to scream at and Yuuri never wants to see his face ever again if he can help it.

“What do you want to hear?” he asks, voice pitched low. “How when you first introduced Ivan as your boyfriend I wanted to punch something? How when you asked me to be your best man for your wedding it destroyed what little I had left of my heart or how for a moment I hated you for it?”

He watches Viktor flinch with each word but he refuses to look away from Yuuri. “Yes,” he says and his voice is shaking and so are his hands and Yuuri hates himself for being the cause of it. “I want to hear all of that and whatever else you want to yell at me about.”

And he dared ask Yuuri never to be a martyr again.

So he says, “I think it’s enough right now, knowing we’re both angry and hurt about a lot of things. You just got your memories back. _I_ just got _you_ back… I want to enjoy that for a little while.”

Viktor looks torn, like he wants to press Yuuri to scream and cry right here on the beach but thankfully he simply nods and remains quiet, instead.

And for a while, Yuuri thinks that’s going to be that for the foreseeable future. That they’ll sit on this beach like they did so many years ago and enjoy the sound of the waves and listen to the families around them laugh.

But when Viktor starts to turn away, Yuuri tugs him until Viktor’s face is pressed into the crook of his neck and says, quietly, “I’m mostly angry at myself for deciding to hide everything from you. Maybe if I hadn’t you would’ve remembered sooner.”

Viktor stills for a moment before he’s winding an arm around Yuuri’s waist. “I wish you hadn’t,” he says and Yuuri shivers when he feels Viktor’s lips brush against his pulse point with each word. “But I could have watched that video back then and remembered nothing. I think that would’ve been worse.”

When Yuuri thinks about that, he knows Viktor’s right. If Viktor had looked at Yuuri’s love and deemed it not enough he would’ve been devastated. Back then, Yuuri could at least pretend that somewhere in Viktor’s heart he was still loved and cherished.

“Maybe,” he whispers.

They stay curled against each for a while and even though his anger recedes Yuuri knows it’s only a matter of time before it rushes back, just like the tides. And he just hopes when it rushes over him his feet are planted firmly enough not to be swept away.

“This is from the accident isn’t it?” Viktor says and Yuuri startles when he feels Viktor trace his scar over his shirt with the tips of his fingers, as if he’s afraid touching it will unravel Yuuri.

It takes several moments for Yuuri to remember that Viktor never got to see his scars, especially since his costumes usually keep them hidden well enough. And for a long time, that’s the only way the two of them saw each other.

He realizes that he hasn’t seen Viktor’s either.

This, at least, Yuuri can handle today. So he leans away from Viktor enough to yank his shirt over his head. He grabs Viktor’s hand again and presses it against the scar and waits for Viktor to start breathing again before he says, “Yeah, it is.”

He gets the impression, as Viktor rubs his thumb over the largest part of the scar near the indent of his collarbone, that he’s still the only one of them that remembers the accident. And that, he’s grateful Viktor’s forgotten forever.

“Is this the only one?”

Viktor’s expression morphs into near agony when Yuuri shakes his head, so he quickly adds on, “It’s the worst one though. The others have already started to fade.”

It doesn’t seem to help ease the tension in Viktor’s shoulders and he sighs, leaning forward to  brush a kiss against Viktor’s temple. “It doesn’t hurt,” he murmurs. “I forget it’s even there most of the time.”

Just as Yuuri’s about ask what Viktor’s thinking or feeling right now, Viktor presses a single kiss to where the scar starts to wrap around his shoulder before pulling away. “Let’s go home.”

Home.

It’s not a word Yuuri thought he’d ever be able to use again, not when after only a year and a half he associated Viktor with the word, no matter where they were in the world. This time, when he smiles it doesn’t feel sad or bitter or angry and when Viktor catches sight of it he looks surprised but quickly returns it.

“I already am.”

And, oh how he’s missed watching the tips of Viktor’s ears and nose grow rosey like this. The sweet words feel a little off on his tongue, like they’ve grown rusty from being unused for so long.

“Yuuri,” Viktor whines and shakes his head as if that’ll get rid of the blush staining his cheeks. “You can’t say things like that when we’re out in public. I really want to kiss you right now.”

His smile widens at Viktor’s words and he leans in until his lips barely brush against Viktor’s, remembering how much this would drive the other man crazy. They both know Yuuri doesn’t care about PDA, hell most of their PDA in the past has been initiated by him but it’s nice to know Viktor likes to keep some things about their love for themselves.

“Tell me,” he murmurs and loves the way Viktor trembles. “Where exactly you want to kiss me.”

Viktor’s hand slips from his shoulder and down his chest until he’s gripping Yuuri’s waist again. “Everywhere.”

Heat pools low in Yuuri’s navel and now it’s his turn to tremble as he presses his lips against Viktor’s firmly before pulling away to grab his shirt and yank it back on. It shouldn’t be this easy to fall back into bed with Viktor right?

Because as he grabs Viktor’s hand from his waist and uses it to pull them both up to their feet, he wonders if this is a mistake. If they should take the time to rebuild a new foundation for themselves. But that thought is quickly dashed when Viktor presses him up against a tree on a secluded part of the path off the beach, kissing him like there’s no tomorrow.

Yuuri leans into Viktor’s touch when he feels the other man’s hands on his cheeks, fingers digging into his hair in that delicious way Viktor knows he loves. “Viktor,” he breathes when they break apart for air. His voice catches on the last syllable of Viktor’s name because god, he’s missed this so much.

It’s been too long since someone touched him like this. Since he’s gotten to feel Viktor’s love with every single kiss pressed into his skin and he feels like a drowning man desperate for air.

“Yuuri,” Viktor sighs before pressing another kiss to Yuuri’s lips.

If they don’t stop right now Yuuri doesn’t trust himself to wait until they’re back at the inn so he forces himself to lean away and take some deep breaths in hopes he’ll calm down enough to do just that. Viktor doesn’t look too thrilled by Yuuri’s actions but he makes up for it by curling a hand around Viktor’s hip until his thumb presses against that sensitive spot just below the bone.

And right on cue Viktor sucks in a sharp breath. “Home,” is all he says.

Viktor doesn’t move right away but when he does it’s surprisingly unhurried considering but that doesn’t mean he refrains from teasing Yuuri further by wrapping an arm low on his waist until his fingertips dip into the waistband of Yuuri’s jeans right at his hip.

By the time they make it back to the inn, Yuuri’s nearly reached the end of his patience and he’s grateful when they’re able to slip upstairs and into his room without any of his family catching sight of them.

Viktor presses him against the door as soon as it’s shut and Yuuri loses himself in Viktor’s lips, Viktor’s touch, Viktor’s heartbeat beneath his hand. Like this, it feels as if they’re back in that first summer they spent together and the moment Yuuri remembers their first time had been in this very room, he tenses.

It takes only a second for Viktor to realize and he pulls away until he’s looking down at Yuuri with concern. “You okay?” he asks, voice scratchy in a way that normally would have made Yuuri tremble and push Viktor onto his bed but—

Yuuri was right. This is too much, too fast.

“I can’t,” he says and lets his head fall back until it hits the door. “I’m sorry but I can’t, not yet.”

The moment the words leave his lips, Viktor doesn’t even hesitate when he steps away to give him space. And Yuuri loves him, loves him, loves him.

Of course, this is when his traitorous mind steps in and twists everything around until he’s thinking how Ivan wouldn’t have asked Viktor to stop and then he’s spiralling down that dark rabbit hole. Yuuri knew, of course, that Viktor and Ivan were intimate, that for nearly two years it was Ivan that Viktor pressed against those ridiculous silk sheets that he and Yuuri bought together and it was Ivan that Viktor curled around in the middle of the night.

But it’s been so easy to pretend none of that happened, to hold onto his memories of their nights together like they were the only truth that mattered.

“Yuuri?” Viktor asks and he sounds worried now as he reaches up to no doubt cup Yuuri’s cheek in his hand but Yuuri flinches away and he hates himself when he sees hurt flash across Viktor’s expression.

He shakes his head and closes his eyes against the sudden burn of tears. “I’m sorry,” he gasps as shame burns through his veins quick and painful.

“It’s okay, Yuuri, it’s okay,” Viktor says and even though Yuuri’s sure he’s aching to touch him right now he’s respecting Yuuri’s wishes.

The thing is that it’s not okay and he was naive to think that it could be simply because Viktor remembered. Years of hurt fester in his heart like an untreated wound and Yuuri’s to blame for part of it but so is Viktor.

Even though Yuuri can’t see Viktor’s expression when he speaks, Yuuri can hear it clearly. “Do you want some time alone?”

Yuuri isn’t sure what he wants anymore, other than things to go back to the way they were before the accident. He wants to rewind time and leave the restaurant five minutes later. He wants to have a ring on his finger again but with vows wrapped around it as well.

They’re impossibilities though.

“No, no please don’t… just give me a minute,” he asks and hates how his voice shakes.

It takes longer than a minute but Viktor doesn’t push and Yuuri’s thankful for it when his heart finally settles and he can open his eyes without fear of finding a world blurred by tears. Viktor’s expression seems to shatter at whatever emotions he sees in Yuuri’s eyes and he nearly closes them again to save Viktor the pain.

“I’m sorry,” Viktor says, hurriedly and Yuuri can tell he’s dying to reach out and pull Yuuri into his arms and he hates himself a little more that he can’t give that to Viktor. “Whatever I did I’m sorry.”

Yuuri shakes his head and forces himself to reach out and grab Viktor’s hand. He’s tenses when his mind reminds him this very hand used to touch Ivan but he does his best to shove those thoughts deep, deep down into the dark corners where they belong.

“It’s not you,” he whispers. “I mean, it is, a little bit but you didn’t… you didn’t—” he cuts himself off frustrated for not being able to form the right words.

Viktor looks confused and hurt and Yuuri hates it.

So he tries again.

“I remembered our first time together,” he says because he might as well start at the beginning. Viktor squeezes his hand as he sucks in a sharp breath. “And then my mind decided to remind me that you and Ivan…”

Viktor pales.

What surprises Yuuri is how Viktor yanks his hand away and stumbles a few steps back. “I’m so sorry, Yuuri,” he says and Yuuri’s confused.

(He also does his best to ignore the anxiety crawling around his heart, ready to pierce through the moment Viktor says he no longer finds Yuuri desirable. He knows it’s a lie. _Knows it_.)

“I’ll… I’ll understand—I wouldn’t blame you if you never want—”

Yuuri’s eyes widen when he pieces together what Viktor’s trying to say. “Viktor, no that’s not what I was trying to say. I’m sorry.”

And he wants to laugh at how many times each of them have said that and how many more times they’ll likely say it again. “Yes, right now that isn’t… helping. It’s just too soon. I’ve missed you and this but I think we need to work through a lot of things first.”

A little color returns to Viktor’s cheeks and Yuuri’s grateful when Viktor doesn’t flinch or move away when he steps forward.

“Oh,” Viktor breathes. “Okay. I’m glad I didn’t ruin everything by…”

Yuuri shakes his head quickly and tentatively grabs Viktor’s hand again, needing the affection to get the words off his tongue. “I’d be a hypocrite if I held that against you.”

Now it’s Viktor’s turn to tense it seems and Yuuri mirrors him, waiting for whatever reaction’s coming his way. Unlike Viktor, he didn't have the excuse of forgetting about them. No, Yuuri remembered every single moment, every single time they had sex, and didn’t even try to push the memories away when he found himself drunk enough to press a stranger up against a stall door and drop to his knees.

“You…?” Viktor starts but shakes his head. “With who?”

Shame burns his cheeks and he barely manages to keep looking at Viktor when he says, “A few people. They were all one night stands though. Mostly after you told me you were getting married.”

Viktor flinches and Yuuri isn’t sure which part of his confession is the cause so he falls silent.

“Oh.”

Yuuri wishes, desperately they could fast forward through this part, wishes they could tell each other their hurts and move on. That everything was that simple.

He watches Viktor take a deep breath, letting his eyes flutter close for a moment before he finally continues. “I shouldn’t have assumed you never… after the accident.”

Now it’s Yuuri’s turn to shake his head and reassure, so he takes another step forward and freezes when Viktor tenses again. Hurt flares in his chest and he forces himself to breath through it. “I didn’t, not until then and I haven’t since. I… just needed to feel something else. I thought I’d just lost you forever. For a second time.”

Viktor nods but Yuuri can tell he’s hurt too. “I understand. I do. And you had every right to… but I hate that you did.”

_The bathroom door creaks open and Yuuri freezes and slaps a hand over the man’s mouth when he starts to grumble in annoyance. There’s some shuffling on the other side of their stall door and Yuuri’s heart thuds wildly in his chest._

_The sound of a zipper being undone echoes around them Yuuri bites back a moan when the man moves his hips so his cock drags against Yuuri’s prostate just right. It’s been so long…_

_Skating is going to be torture tomorrow but frankly, at this point, Yuuri doesn’t care. He just lost Viktor to someone else because he’s been too wrapped up in his own hurt and pain. The ice hasn’t been the same anyway, not since Viktor woke up and looked up at Yuuri with that polite smile and ask why he was there._

_When they’re alone in the bathroom again, the man moves in earnest and Yuuri closes his eyes so he can pretend the brown hair is silver and that the hands on his hips aren’t a stranger’s but familiar and warm and touching him lovingly._

_The next morning when he wakes, Phichit hands him concealer the moment he walks out of his room. “I hope you were safe at least,” his best friend says, voice clipped and disapproving._

_He pushes down the shame and anger as he curls his fingers around the concealer. “I was, yes.”_

_It isn’t until he catches a glimpse of Viktor leaving the rink after wrapping up his morning coaching that Yuuri darts into the locker room bathroom and throws up._

_Yurio finds him there twenty minutes later, takes one look at him before he stomps off without a word and returns with a damp washcloth. “I thought you were better than this, Katsudon,” he snaps when Yuuri hands it back._

_He doesn’t even bother trying to defend himself._

_There’s nothing to defend._

“I know,” he whispers, dropping his gaze from Viktor’s and wishing for the life of him he could take it all back. “I hate that I did too.”

 

. . .

 

He calls Phichit out in the garden while Viktor’s napping back in his room. Thankfully, his best friend answers after only a couple rings even though he sounds out of breath. “Yuuri? Everything okay?”

Sometimes, he wonders if Phichit has a sixth sense, or at least a sense about Yuuri’s mood because he can’t recall a time that Phichit didn’t know when the anxiety was getting to be too much or he was growing restless in the off season back in Detroit.

He knows that having Phichit through the last three years saved him from a lot more poor choices and hurts. And he can’t even begin to repay that back.

“Viktor’s here. He remembered everything,” he says because it’s easier to be blunt about it when he feels like he’s being pulled deeper and deeper into a sea of confusion emotions.

There’s a beat of silence before Phichit lets out a shaky breath.

Yuuri forgets, sometimes, that Phichit is twenty-five now, that _he’s_ nearly thirty himself. They aren’t kids anymore and the fact Phichit isn’t yelling and asking a million questions right now proves that.

“What about Ivan? I know you said it seemed like they weren’t together anymore when Ivan showed up but you never knew for sure,” Phitchi says.

Yuuri sighs and tilts his head back until he catches glimpses of the blue sky between branches. “Yeah, apparently they got a divorce a couple months ago, before Viktor even remembered.”

“That’s good,” Phichit replies. “I know how you would’ve felt if they gotten one after he remembered.”

Honestly, Yuuri’s glad too. He can’t imagine the added guilt he would’ve felt for being the cause of Ivan and Viktor’s divorce. If he put Viktor through the agony of loving both of them at the same time.

“Do you want me to come visit? I could take a few days off, I just need to let Ciao Ciao know.”

Yuuri starts to shake his head before remembering this isn’t a video call. “No, no you don’t need to. I just wanted you to know.”

Phichit hums thoughtfully and Yuuri knows by now to let his friend sort through what he wants to say. So, he closes his eyes when the sun creeps through the trees and warms his face. Here, at least, Yuuri can pretend it’s still the morning and he’s still laughing in bed with Viktor instead of trying to figure out where exactly their next step is.

“Are you two back together?”

A bird chips somewhere above his head and Yuuri’s lips quirk when another one responds. “Yeah, I suppose we are,” he says and feels some of his anxiety bleed away, finally. “We have a lot to work through though.”

That pulls laughter out of Phichit. “I think that’s a massive understatement. But I’m glad you realize you do. Is he going to coach you again?”

Yuuri freezes. “I hadn’t even thought about that yet,” he mumbles. It’s off season right now, April’s racing towards May and before any of them know it, his last season will start. So really, he should probably figure this part of his life out sooner rather than later.

“Well,” Phichit interrupts his racing thoughts smoothly. “At least you have options this time. Though I’ll be surprised if Viktor doesn’t insist on taking over.

Viktor hasn’t been back long but he knows the moment they step into Ice Castle it’ll be brought up. And he’ll honestly be surprised if Viktor doesn’t ask to coach him again too. Maybe it’ll do them both some good to sink into something that largely remains untouched by their time apart.

After all, it was out on the ice and here at his family’s inn that Yuuri and Viktor found their love years ago.

He hopes this time it’ll last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it's your thing, please feel free to follow me at [ofviktor](https://ofviktor.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr. I post status updates about my fics in my tag "sarah writes" or if you're looking specifically for updates on this one check the "amnesia verse" tag <3


	4. chapter two

Viktor wakes slowly, far too comfortable to find the will to open his eyes until absolutely necessary. The bed is warm and a little lumpy but it smells like home so he buries his nose beneath the blanket draped over him.

Somewhere in the room he hears the clicking of someone typing on a keyboard and for a while that doesn’t strike Viktor as odd until he abruptly remembers where exactly he is. His eyes blink open and immediately see Yuuri at his desk, curled over his laptop typing away.

Deja vu settles around his mind quickly and it’s a weird moment to find himself in, because he remembers now, doing just this that first summer he spent in Hasetsu. Only he had Makkachin curled at his feet or next to Yuuri, happy napping with her dads.

He allows the grief to wash over him for a few moments, unsure if he’s mourning Makkachin or a soft beginning that’s no longer within reach.

Once that fades, Viktor lets his eyes trace Yuuri’s profile against the afternoon sun. There are subtle changes, ones he didn’t notice before when he was too swept up in memories and Yuuri’s touch. It’s strange to see faint laugh lines in the corners of Yuuri’s eyes and he can’t help but think about how there should be more but he supposes Yuuri hasn’t had much to laugh about for a long time now.

Twenty-eight looks good on Yuuri though, despite the pain of the last three years. Even as he’s hunched over his laptop Viktor can see that Yuuri’s found a comfort in being himself, something he only caught glimpses of in the past out on the ice or alone curled around each other in their bed.

He wishes desperately that he could have been there as Yuuri took each step towards discovering that certainty. And he was, in a way, but not how he should’ve been.

Anger wraps around his heart and he knows it’s pointless. That drunk driver has already suffered the consequences of his mistake and there’s nothing more Viktor can do but he can’t help it. This is not what he imagined his life would look like back then and while he’s grateful he met Ivan, for his friendship if anything, it’s not enough to make up for his bare finger or their broken hearts.

Yuuri’s phone rings, startling them both and he watches Yuuri look down at it and even though he’s sighing there’s a smile pulling at his lips.  

“Hey, Yurio.”

There’s some shouting and Yuuri patiently holds the phone a little ways from his ear to save himself the damage and Viktor can’t help but smile as well. “Yes, Viktor’s here. Why am I not surprised he didn’t? I know he was…”  

Viktor slowly sits up as Yuuri hums and nods along to whatever Yura is saying. It takes him a few minutes to realize that the two of them are speaking in Russian and he shouldn’t be as surprised as he is. Yuuri had started to learn it while they lived together and of course he’d keep it up when he stayed two more years to train under Yakov and keep close by in case he—

Remembered.

His movement finally pulls Yuuri’s gaze towards him and he smiles, though it’s a little strained at the edges, as he continues to listen to Yura’s rant.

“He’s napping right now, I’ll have him call you when he’s up.”

Yura mumbles a few more things before finally hanging up and Yuuri doesn’t turn back to his laptop and Viktor’s torn between being grateful and feeling as though he’s been placed beneath a microscope. “Why did you tell him I was still asleep?” he asks to cut through the silence.

This pulls a sigh from Yuuri who stands and sits at the end of his bed before answering. “I’m not ready to invite other people’s pain in just yet.”

Viktor has no idea what to say to that so he stays quiet, let’s Yuuri work out how to piece together his thoughts into words that make sense. He didn’t even realize how tense he’d grown until he feels Yuuri’s hand wrap around his ankle and let’s his thumb absently rub back and forth just above the bone.

“I know the accident affected more than just you and me,” Yuuri starts. “But I can’t think about that, not until I can look at you and stop seeing the past. I didn’t even realize how angry I was until you came back…”

Oh.

Viktor supposes that’s fair, given that if he had been in Yuuri’s shoes he probably would’ve been too consumed by grief and pain to realize he felt anything else.

So, he takes a deep breath and scoots a little closer. He feels a little more settled in himself after that nap. Between the flight, emotional reunion and the scant few hours of sleep they got before Yuuri woke he felt as if he’d been running through water. Slow and stumbling.

“Do you want to talk about some of it now?” he asks. Part of him is afraid that if he doesn’t nudge Yuuri to let out his feelings he never will and the thought of waking up in ten years to an empty bed makes him nauseous.

Yuuri sighs again and curls his feet until they’re tucked beneath him. “I don’t even know how to begin, Vitya,” and oh god, Viktor’s missed Yuuri calling him that.

“I could go first?” he offers because maybe if Yuuri knows he isn’t alone in these feelings that he’ll find a comfort in that.

Yuuri looks at him for a long moment and Viktor suppresses the urge to fidget or lean forward to bury his face into Yuuri’s chest to avoid having each of his layers pulled back until he’s exposed. This is Yuuri, the man he loves, the man who may have hurt him unintentionally but never would do it maliciously.

_He’s safe here._

“One hurt each,” Yuuri says and tightens his grip slightly on Viktor’s ankle. “And one each every day until we’re through all of them. We need to focus on the future too or we’ll never get through this.”

It’s a start and one Viktor will take without hesitation, so he nods and takes a deep breath.

“I’m angry that you left,” he begins and when Yuuri opens his mouth he reaches out to grab Yuuri’s other hand in his own. “I know I asked you to and that I didn’t realize what we were or had been and that you were just respecting what I wanted but… I can’t help feeling like I’m not worth fighting for when I think back at how easily you gave in.”

Guilt trickles into his heart when Yuuri looks as though he’s had the air knocked from his lungs.

“And then afterward you avoided me for a year, Yuuri,” he continues. “I know I didn’t remember you as someone important to me and I would have likely done the same thing if it was you who’d forgotten but I feel like I wasn’t enough for you to hold onto.”

Viktor wonders if there will ever be a time in their lives where he won’t be the cause of Yuuri’s tears. They slide down Yuuri’s cheeks silently and he realizes Yuuri probably doesn’t even realize they’re there.  

“You’re right,” Yuuri breathes and squeezes his hand. “I should have stayed…”

A silence settles over their shoulders as Yuuri breathes through his tears and Viktor reaches up to help brush them away when they slow.

“I was afraid,” he whispers and Viktor startles. “I was afraid I wouldn’t be enough, that you’d only love me again because of what you were told and that I’d still lose you when you realized you actually didn’t.”

Viktor knows, he _knows_ , that’s Yuuri’s anxiety talking but he can’t stop the anger from sparking back to life in his chest. “Do you think that little of me? That I’d only be with you because that’s what I was told?” he asks, voice clipped and he hates himself for it. “I lost memories of us, yes, but I didn’t lose myself—I was still _me_.”  

Yuuri yanks his hand from Viktor’s grip and his breath catches in his chest when Yuuri does.

“I know,” Yuuri snaps and Viktor’s heart sinks. “I thought so little of _myself_. And yes, I made a choice for the both of us back then but don’t ever think I did it because I thought so little of you.”

It’s quiet for a moment after Yuuri’s words and Viktor uses the time to take a couple deep breaths. “I think it’s safe to say we’d both change a lot of things about that first year.”

He watches Yuuri rub away some of his tears before sighing. “Yeah, maybe. I think I’d make us leave that restaurant five minutes later personally though.”

Oh.

And that’s what everything boils down to doesn’t it? One single decision to skip dessert so they could get home a little earlier to take Makkachin for a longer walk since the weather was nice. At the end of the day, Viktor knows they’ll each have these hurts and pains but neither of them are really to blame, not truly.

“Are you going to run away next time?” The question falls from his lips before he has time to soften them but perhaps Yuuri needs to hear things exactly the way they are felt in Viktor’s heart.

He takes a deep breath before continuing. “I hope I won’t ever forget again, but Yuuri, we have so many years ahead of us—that the accident isn’t going to be the last hard thing we have to deal with.”

When he looks up at Yuuri, the other man’s expression appears torn like Yuuri isn’t sure which emotion is the strongest. “I want to be angry that you’d even ask that but… it’s a fair question.”

Viktor isn’t sure what’s going to happen next but when he finds Yuuri in his lap with his arms wrapped around his waist and face buried in the crook of his neck, Viktor can safely say this wasn’t anywhere on his list of possibilities. Once he’s over his surprise he’s quick to wrap his arms around Yuuri and pull him even closer.

“I would’ve stayed. I would’ve stood next to when you married Ivan,” Yuuri murmurs and Viktor tenses when he hears bitter laughter fall from Yuuri’s lips. “It would’ve killed me but I was going to. But Phichit got mad, called Mari and she flew all the way out to St. Petersburg to yell at me in person, you know.”

Shock isn’t strong enough of a word to describe what Viktor’s feeling in that moment. “She what?”

Yuuri hums softly and he feels a kiss pressed to his shoulder.

“She was pretty angry, that I was going to do that to myself. Take that feeling you had when you learned I slept with other people while you forgot and stretch that out over months…” he trails off and Viktor’s heart clenches painfully.

Yuuri pulls away and Viktor’s immediate reaction is to tighten his grip but Yuuri’s lips quirk up in a sad sort of smile and so he relaxes as he looks up into Yuuri’s eyes. “She reminded me that you’ve only ever wanted me to be happy,” he whispers and Viktor can’t breathe. “And that you, _this_ you, wouldn’t want me to put myself through that.”

Viktor knows well enough by now to remain silent until Yuuri finishes working through his thoughts. Nevermind the fact Viktor is trying to process everything Yuuri’s saying. They could spend hours talking about this one hurt, he realizes, and for a moment he worries they’ll spend too long trying to piece themselves together again only to watch everything fall back apart because they moved too slowly.

Nothing is certain anymore, not like before, where Viktor didn’t even entertain the idea of the two of them ever being apart unless it was for skating.

“But then I thought about if it was me, instead of you who forgot,” Yuuri finally continues and Viktor stops breathing. “I would have hated it if you put yourself through more pain just to stay close to me even though I loved someone else. So, I tried to give myself space. I hadn’t—I wasn’t going to keep you out my life forever. I just needed to come back here to try and finally accept…”  

There’s a pause and Viktor can’t rip his gaze away from Yuuri’s.

Yuuri shakes his head briefly and reaches up, in this gray moment, to brush back Viktor’s bangs and Viktor greedily leans into his touch. “I guess this brings me to my hurt,” he begins and Viktor tenses. “I know we don’t live in a movie or a book but it hurt you didn’t fall in love with me again. Maybe I was naive to think that’s what would happen, but I did. And when you asked me to leave it felt like you ripped away the only hope I had left.”

Once the words sink into Viktor’s heart, he feels a few tears slip out of the corner of his eyes. Yuuri, who is achingly beautiful and soft, smiles brokenly before brushing them away with the kind of reverence that only comes from someone who loves him utterly and completely.

Viktor knows he could have fallen in love with Yuuri again, would have even if he hadn’t asked Yuuri to leave when everything was so fresh and raw or if Yuuri had refused to listen. But he knows, now more than ever, that love is complicated and messy and unfair sometimes.

“I know,” is all he can manage to say until the last few tears slip down his cheeks. Yuuri kisses away each one. “And I can’t… I understand you wanting that. I think,” he pauses and takes a shaky breath. “I think I’d be more upset if you didn’t expect that from me. It would have made you leaving worse.”

For a moment, they stay as they are. Yuuri in Viktor’s lap as he cradles Viktor’s face in his hands and Viktor’s own clenching the back of Yuuri’s shirt tightly as he tries to regain some kind of balance with his emotions.

They probably paint a sad picture like this.

“Feel any better?” he asks, once the silence has stretched on long enough.

Yuuri chuckles and it doesn’t sound as hollow as Viktor expected so he looks back up at Yuuri to catch a warm smile curling at the corners of his lips. “Yes and no,” Yuuri answers and Viktor appreciates the honesty.

“But,” he continues and Viktor leans into his touch again. “I’m glad I understand why you feel the way you do a little better.”

Viktor’s smile doesn’t feel brittle when he gives it to Yuuri.

“I’m glad too.”

 

. . .

 

Ice Castle Hasetsu is nearly identical to the way Viktor remembers it except for one detail: Yuuri’s posters and medals are displayed proudly in a case near the front of the lobby door and if he’s remembering Japanese correctly the banner above it says: “Home rink to World Champion Katsuki Yuuri!”

He wonders why Yuuri agreed to keep them here instead of at the inn.

Yuuri’s sigh and scowling expression when he glances over at the display when they walk in give Viktor the hint that he wasn’t given much of a choice. “I suppose,” he chirps brightly. “You had no choice after you won your third Worlds.”

Yuuri’s glare is all the answer he needs to throw his head back and laugh.

It’s nice to know some things won’t change, no matter the amount of heartache they go through.

Yuuri grumbles and shoves him towards the locker room and he gives a delighted wave to Yuuko as they walk by the skate rental counter, she gapes as if she’s seen a ghost and Viktor supposes she has in a way. It takes her two minutes before she’s bursting into the locker room and Viktor laughs yet again when she beelines straight towards Yuuri.

“When did Vicchan get here?” she whisper-shouts and Viktor tries to muffle his laughter into the sleeve of his athletic shirt when he hears it.

Yuuri huffs. “Last night,” he replies but it’s too late, Viktor can hear the fond exasperation and knows Yuuri’s two seconds away from caving in.

The door bursts open again and three very familiar girls stumble over each other. It startles Viktor to realize it’s Axel, Loop and Lutz. Three years is a long time when it comes to kids and the change in the three of them is almost overwhelming.

It’s then that he realizes they must be nearing ten.

“He _is_ back!” they squeal and it never ceases to amaze Viktor how in sync the three of them can be and he’s laughing again when they rush up to him, up to his hip now as they babble excitedly.

Viktor has no hope of keeping up with any of them so he looks over his shoulder and catches sight of Yuuri giving them a fond look. He wonders when was the last time Yuuri looked this at peace, this settled in his life.

(That’s a lie. He knows exactly when it was.)

“Girls!” Yuuko chirps, but there’s a firmness to her voice that has the girls immediately quieting and taking a few sheepish steps back from him.

She gives him a warm smile before shooting her daughters a narrowed look. “They want to skate and you three have homework to do.”

The girls groan in unison and it draws laughter from Yuuri which causes Viktor’s heart to flutter at the sound of it. Yuuko says a few more words that Viktor doesn’t really catch but soon enough they’re alone and Yuuri’s looking at him like it’s the first summer he was here and Viktor’s breathless with memories and desire and love and—

Yuuri presses a kiss to his lips, chaste and quick but warm. “We only have a couple hours, c’mon,” he says and Viktor crashes back into himself like a cresting wave upon the shore.

It feels like it shouldn’t be so easy to fall into their old routines, yet Viktor finds that it is. Yuuri hands him his laces and Viktor happily obliged, tightening Yuuri’s skates until they feel just right and when Yuuri reaches down to help him stand he presses a small kiss to the inside of his wrist.

The blush that blooms across Yuuri’s cheeks gives Viktor hope.

They’re quiet as they step out onto the ice but it isn’t tense or awkward like Viktor had initially feared but perhaps it’s because the ice has long been home to each of them long before they met. He watches Yuuri skate ahead of him, beginning his figures and Viktor watches both as a fan of Yuuri’s beauty on the ice and a coach.

He’s startled from his observation when he realizes that while he came here to apologize to Yuuri he also came here to hopefully take Yakov’s place as Yuuri’s coach again. It’s what he should’ve been doing all these years…

“Vitya?”

Yuuri’s voice is soft but still causes Viktor to startle. “Just lost in thought,” he says and when Yuuri’s eyes narrow slightly Viktor nearly blurts out everything right then and there.

But something in his heart is telling him this isn’t the right moment. Instead, he reaches up and brushes back some of Yuuri’s hair as he smiles. (It’s only a little sad. Only a little brittle at the edges.) “Stammi Vicino?” he asks carefully, as if they’re the only two words in all the languages they know that matter.

(They are.)

Yuuri’s answer is to skate out to the center of the ice and bow his head as he gets into the achingly familiar pose. He stays there for a moment before he moves, gliding into the opening choreography and as he watches Viktor realizes Yuuri’s skated this routine even after the accident.

Oh, Yuuri.

He watches Yuuri launch into the first jump, a beautiful quad that he lands so cleanly Viktor’s sure he would’ve been given a positive GOE on it in a competition and it’s amazing to see, to remember how much Yuuri struggled with that very jump years ago now.

Yuuri looks completely comfortable when he launches into the triple axel and Viktor nearly misses his entrance when he thinks ‘ _he could’ve made that into a quad_ ’ but Yuuri’s like a current, pulling Viktor towards him until he’s reaching out and taking Yuuri’s outstretched hand.

There isn’t enough time for Viktor to wonder if they should do the lifts because he feels the weight of Yuuri in his hands, trusting him without hesitation. He lifts and Yuuri turns into his arms like they never stopped doing this, never stopped skating this program, to this song and he barely refrains from pressing Yuuri against the boards and kissing him until they both forget the pain of the last three years.

Yuuri follows him as they transition back into choreography and god, he’s so beautiful and—

They’re falling, Yuuri making a startled shout when Viktor’s feet skid out from beneath him and there’s a moment where neither of them moves before he grunts as Yuuri scrambles off of him, accidentally elbowing him in the stomach as he does.

Before he can open his eyes, Yuuri’s hands cradle his head gently, fingers gently prodding for any bumps or cuts. He sighs, sinking into the soothing feeling while ignoring the cold that’s seeping in through the back of his shirt.

But when Yuuri asks in a small voice, “Vitya?” all of Viktor’s feelings of comfort are washed away.

And oh, he isn’t ready for Yuuri’s expression when he opens his eyes finally. Isn’t ready for the way Yuuri doesn’t seem to be breathing, eyes glassy as if he’s already accepted something awful’s happened. When it hits him _why_ Yuuri looks like this, all the air from his lungs leaves in a soft ‘whoosh’.

“I’m okay,” he manages to say. Aiming for soft and gentle but it comes out more of a breathless mumble. “The only thing that hurts is my pride.”

Yuuri’s eyes flutter closed and he nods but he doesn’t pull his hands away. Instead, Viktor feels Yuuri’s fingers tangle in his hair just slightly as he tightens his grip. “I thought…”

Before he says more, Yuuri shakes his head and starts to pull away but Viktor sits up and grabs Yuuri’s hands before he gets too far. “You thought what?” he asks.

Yuuri swallows and closes his eyes again. “I thought you hit your head. That you…”

“Forgot again?”

This time when Yuuri laughs it’s brittle and Viktor hates it. Wishes he could go back in time and fix all of this. Not only for Yuuri but for himself too. Maybe it’s selfish and conceited to think they deserved better than what’s happened to them but it’s how Viktor feels in this moment.

Yuuri doesn’t deserve to live with this fear. With this trauma.

“It’s stupid I know,” Yuuri starts and Viktor opens his mouth to deny the words but doesn’t have the chance. “You’ve fallen and hit your head a dozen of times before the accident and been fine. And you’ll probably hit your head dozens of times more and be fine too so I know—”

Viktor squeezes Yuuri’s hand tight enough to get the other man to stop speaking and open his eyes. “It’s not,” he says as firmly as he can while still sounding kind. “You can ask if I remember even if all I do is knock my elbow against the doorframe or stub my toe going up the stairs. I will never think it’s stupid or get frustrated.”

He pauses when all Yuuri does is take a shuddering breath.

“You can ask me every morning if I remember you for the rest of our lives if that’s what you need, Yuuri.”

Yuuri leans forward until their foreheads touch and now it’s Viktor’s turn to reach up and cradle Yuuri’s face in his hands. “I hate feeling like this,” Yuuri breathes. “I hate being this afraid about something that’s happened hundreds of times.”

Viktor’s chest tightens. “I know,” he answers because that’s all he can really say and he hates that too.

Eventually, the cold bites into their skin too harshly and they stand up on shaky legs. There aren’t any words exchanged between them when Yuuri holds out his hand and Viktor takes it, letting this beautiful man pull him into a dance.

And even though there’s no music, Viktor can hear it clearly in his mind as Yuuri dips him carefully like he’s fragile, and maybe before the accident, he would’ve said something but he simply closes his eyes and enjoys the warmth of Yuuri’s hand against his back.

They don’t fall again.

Two hours ends far too quickly and Yuuko sounds regretful when she comes in to remind them there’s a junior hockey practice soon. Yuuri is quiet as they pull on their skate guards and make their way back into the locker room.

He isn’t sure what to make of it really but he’s more than willing to give Yuuri his space. Which is why when he sits down on the bench he’s surprised when Yuuri grabs his chin and tips his head back for a kiss. This one isn’t like the kiss Yuuri gave him before they went out onto the ice, this one is deeper, more desperate and he honestly does his best to keep up.

When Yuuri pulls away, all Viktor can do is blink up at him in a daze. “Be my coach, Viktor.”

Everything halts in his mind and it doesn’t matter how long he stares at Yuuri’s determined expression he still can’t piece together how they got to this particular conversation.

His silence doesn’t seem to bother Yuuri at all.

“Help me win gold at my last GPF and Worlds. I know I promised you five but—”

“Yes.”

He watches Yuuri blink in surprise at being cut off but excitement bubbles within his chest, like the seafoam that’s left kissing the shore even though the ocean’s already left. “Yes,” he repeats. “I would be honored, Yuuri.”

Yuuri really is beautiful when he blushes. Viktor hopes he never forgets again how much he loves the soft rosy color of Yuuri’s cheeks.

“I guess that means you want me to stay,” he teases lightly. Viktor already knew Yuuri wanted him to. Knows that while Yuuri generally tries to avoid confrontation of any kind he's never hidden how he felt from Viktor. (Until after the accident but that’s a complicated circumstance.)

Yuuri smiles and Viktor can’t help but lean up and steal the taste of warm summer days spent beneath the sun from his lips.

When they part, Yuuri’s still smiling and he presses a kiss to Viktor’s forehead quickly before stepping back. “C’mon, we have programs to plan back home.”

Viktor makes a big show of leaping to his feet and rushing over to his locker and it’s worth making a small fool of himself when Yuuri laughs until tears leak out of the corners of his eyes. Viktor makes a point to coo over them which only makes Yuuri laugh harder until they’re both doubled over clutching their sides.

This is how the Hasetsu junior boys hockey team finds them a couple minutes later.

 

. . .

 

Neither of them is surprised when the next afternoon, after a morning spent debating themes and songs and difficulty levels for Yuuri’s programs that the front door to the inn snaps open with a loud bang.

Yuuri leans back so he can peek around the corner of the public dining room they’d settled in after breakfast and when he starts laughing quietly Viktor knows who’s standing in the entrance.

“Oh! Yurio! We didn’t know you were coming back too,” Hiroko says with delight when she exits the kitchen and catches sight of the blonde.

By this point, Viktor’s leaning back enough to see the younger boy (man now, really) and he hides his laughter into Yuuri’s shoulder when they watch Yura’s face soften at the sight of Yuuri’s mom. Yuuri swats him on the thigh but his shoulders shake with his own barely contained amusement.

“I refuse to participate in another skate off to keep you here.”

Viktor loses the battle with his laughter after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it's your thing, please feel free to follow me at [ofviktor](http://ofviktor.tumblr.com) on Tumblr. I post status updates about my fics in my tag "sarah writes" or if you're looking specifically for updates on this one check the "amnesia verse" tag <3


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